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Sunday, 8 July 2018

Flower in the Fall (Edits)

Date: 7, 8, 9 July
Book: Flower in the Fall
Edited for: Karen Hoisington (author)

He thought for a moment AND then nodded slowly.

"I know we are all terrified BUT (no comma) the British...

No one said anything, but (comma in front) Elizabeth....

Stomach = belly; look of DESPONDENCY

...speak!" someone (LC "s') shouted...

"...does not mean that A Japanese soldier... I still think this "He has left everything...its pinnacle..." needs reworking. Not sure what "pinnacle" refers. Ambiguity.

He said (LC 'h') as mentioned before. Last sentence, "...rose in crescendo almost breaking into a shout. (Minus comma)  
"...in Berlin with his diplomatic father, ....." No comma after Berlin. Same as last sentence after "arm".

... a loud voice boomed. (fulls top) "This is war....." The (UC 'T") voices of indignation went on for a while...  

"... It must BE DONE immediately."

...forever TO his grave.

Er zi ... Er as in 2nd or Er has in child?

"Please continue, Mrs Seah," she said. Misplaced quotes.
"...up the stairs turn (no comma) and bark.." 

single quotes for 'kay poh' ending with a comma (or exclamation) and double quotes to close.

"... firm yet gruesome (no 'the').." "...," she said, (comma) anxiously. No comma after 'delirious'. "They are now
gone," (comma) said her mother...

"...the Japanese came, (comma)" An Na said, (comma) one day after... 

" ...few doors down would (no comma) now not...." It would be a suitable arrangement and (no comma) he jumped at it." Next, comma inside quotes as mentioned before.
You might want to rework this sentence to be more clear, like "...how the sword's handle, intricately decorated with a thread-weave of gold and red knotting gracefully into a long silk tassel at the sword's hilt.  

Too many commas again. Remove comma after 'word'. "...not moving or saying a word BUT..."


"...The black amrket sold rice for 28 Japanese banana dollars but sold for 100s more (remove the extra "sold for" again. "...WERE usually..." "Other discreet enterprises (replace 'entrepreneurial' word to avoid repeated meanings). Use '-' after "...city refugees.." as in "city refugees - some uo to 60...) "Rental cost 30 banana dollars for a small village room in 1942 AND a cubicle in the city WOULD cost 5000 banana...." Banana notes converted into commodities, which WHEN exchanged for Straits Dollars made many SEGMENTS of society cope well during...." Use of 'pocket'  confuses with currency.

Remove comma after "noses" and insert one after "Administration"

"...chipped off and FALLEN AWAY". Remove 'had'.
UC "Some Japanese..." and a comma after "she said" i.e. she said, banging insistently on the door.

He HAD chosen to travel this circuitous route BY CHOICE.

"..The giving her A slight bow, he said, "I'm sorry.... Remove commas after 'response' and 'moment'. 

Remove comma after 'slowly'.  "A silence fell on the room AS Swee Cheng bit her lip, her hands TWISTING the thin organza silk lapels of her shawl now lit TO a golden shimmer BY the flickering lamp ABOVE."
Remove commas from 'lower' and "...soft fabric of THE armchair."

Fullstop after "...her. But he could feel the muscles... "After he let the moment pass, (not past tense) he stepped out of the front door AND into the night."
"..which they packed WITH their military kits." "Kamikaze pilots were given THE SAME DRUG so they could fly....into enemy ships at MISSION's END fulfiling both  spiritual and imperial obligations. It worked as they were euphoric, (replace dash with comma) matching the mood of the war at the time.       

Last paragraph shud be joined to sentence above? Remove comma after "each other" as in '..slapped each other like schoolboys who had just...." 

"...slammed it down hard with such force that THE petals SQUASHED into..."

"What are you all doing?" REPEATED Himura firmly. Comma in quotes after "..sir," and remove comma after "spluttered"  

Put a dash after "...evidence" i.e. "..evidence - that included diaries, news, etc". Remove "the" from BBC radio broadcast. End with dash after "...an ex-banker" i.e. "...an ex-banker - were unearthed" 

Replace 'or' in 3rd sentence with 'of'. Use dash instead of commas after "....Operation Jaywick" i.e. "....Operation Jaywick - let alone been part of it - any confessions..."
"...before the MORE welcoming COOL Southwest monsoon..."

Indent at "The soldiers ignored..."?

..." feeling her heart skipping A BEAT as she..."

Either have two commas or none. As in Some, who..., whispered. Or none.

After "...survivors" should be a colon, not semi-colon

Comma after "...forever" (s)omeone whispered, from the shadows. Use a dash after "...toilet bowl" not comma

"... as what must be BREAK_NECK (remove 'a') speed for a tiny creature.... "...and SO now gaining traction..." 
"She howled AS  (no comma) he.."Her reprieve lasted (remove 'had') MERE (remove 'for') seconds as THE GUARD yanked.."  

Her musings WERE cut short AS a Kempetai... remove comma after "...said the new officer. i.e. "...said the new officer with such a loud shout that his spittle sprayed all over her face. ("gentle drizzle of rain' kind of take the disgust away!)  

Last sentence is forced alignment?

"..open her mouth BUT no sound emerged" remove comma. "...make a noise was MORE terrifying than all the.." "...when two hands SUDDENLY grasped AT her shoulders" ? 

Comma after "perhaps". Elizabeth THEN passed out.

Missing "were" after "... in Japan"
...but NOT INCAPABLE OF expressing deep emotions. " THAT she could so effortlessly unlock the secret deep recesses of his soul was what he loved about her."

"One day, there was REALLY an alert! Said Himura, his eyes WIDENING. "Someone from the kitchen department FINALLY answered, SO no one was hurt that day."
"..she said, placing her her hands on her chest IN RELIEF.
"Hazel's uncle worked at the Immigration Department, SO he knew of the..."
"Hazel THEN shared the news.."
SO BOTH families, hers and yours, managed to get one those ships bound for India?" 

Himura withdrew his hand; Swee Cheng did the same. Something HAD flickered in both their eyes. It was the ambers of love deep inside their souls.  


A scream RENDED the air. (Indent) he turned...

"....a tanker BEFORE SLIPPING away undetected, back to The Krait, returning successfully to Australia."

"...their gentle harmonies WAFTED..."
Remove "the" before end word "day".

Remove comma after "morning".  She BEGAN TO TAKE shallow breaths. 
Bracket the "...(and sometimes meat) were thrown....of the cell in (remove comma) chipped enamel plates. "All had lost half their average weight, their bones now jarringly visible."

Remove comma after "listen"

Remove the commas after "quickly" and "corner" 

"..heard over MARCHING (remove 'the') noises, (comma) made the locals avoid walking PAST the YMCA ALTOGETHER, PREFERRING TO TAKE a parallel road instead.  Its vicinity seemed to reek of palpable evil spirits and bad omens.   
"So you (no comma)...

"it included BEING ABLE to inform..."
"..except for THEIR name, age, ..."

Himura had him where he want. (Remove the extra 'him' after). "You...little.." he muttered as he took a lurching step forward with each word. One the third, HE YELLED "Bakayaro!" and swung.
The blow felt sluggish (remove 'too) the second Himura launched it. The spry, smirking lieutenant MANAGED to ducked under it. AND before Himura could even register the dodge, another body shot (remove the word 'however', it slows the action down) - this one to the ribs - sent fresh ripples of pain through....   

"...off with his elbow, and seeing him scoot back so far, gave him SECOND WIND. He covered the distance between them and threw three more punches that finally did land. The lieutenant fell, but he got up quickly again. 

"...lunged down AT Himura, closely scrutinising his face carefully.  HE grabbed AT his white collar and growled, snarling, "Captain, NOW YOU UNDERSTAND!"
(Actaully, I don't quite get the exchange. Get what?)  

"Your father has approved OF this decision."
"Tomorrow." - Came the reply.
He looked at her and she looked at him, their faces perfectly (remove 'were') inclined towards one another. 

..today? she silently asked. WOULD IT BE water torture, slapping, beatings, or the most traumatic of all, the electric shock treatment? (Note the punctuation changes)

Remove comma after"..saying them" i.e "...regretted saying them thinking what a foolish question it was. Rejoice instead, for the answered prayers! 

He bid his goodbyes (plural) ...
...and THE free meals from their bakery. 

...yellow cotton blouse - (dash) the same one she wore when she first arrived, now caked with dried tears, mucus AND blood, ...

She said, SMILING gently and BOWING her head.
They looked at each other silently for a moment, their eyes expressing feelings mutual to what they have been through. The sound of birds chirping above brought them back to the present.
"Are you leaving? he enquired.
  Elizabeth smiled broadly, still mentally pinching herself THAT this was happening. 

Himura looked at THE many dark....

...pecking AT the tree branches. (fullstop)
THEN turning to look at her, he said, "...
"Our soldiers....in their home country. And in the army, too. You are right, we are under orders too. But it is the path we have chosen," said Himura...

"...his eyes spotted a red rose petal lying like a drop of blood on the immaculate ground.  He picked it up....